I'm sorry, but you are in for a long one here. Mortamer is a 6-foot, blue teddy bear. I found him one evening while trash hopping...and for you non-locals that don't know what trash hopping is, I'll tell you. There wasn't that much to do in good ole Southampton, PA, so for fun, we'd go out trash hopping. In other words, we would get in someone's car, usually my boat, because it was so big and could hold a lot of stuff. Then we would drive around the neighborhood on trash night looking for cool stuff that people would throw away. I have gotten many good speakers and entertainment systems that people get rid of when they get a new system. I have found fish tanks, sewing machines, someone's wedding pictures, cool clothes, record players, lamps, vacuum cleaner, baskets, crates and many other interesting things. Note: if you are planning on trying this...DO NOT go in trash cans. Look for boxes and items laying next to the cans...don't go in them...They smell, they're wet, they're really gross...and you never know quite what to expect in them. The best stuff is always next to the cans. A variation on trash hopping is dumpster hopping. Same concept but you go behind shopping centers and go looking in the dumpsters. Beer distributors are a great place to find things to decorate a dorm room.

Okay, so back to the story. I went out trash hopping one night with my friend Tom Cipriano and we came across a large blue bear that we had to grab. It was one of those bears that you win down on the boardwalk and you see people carrying them around over their shoulders because they are so big. So where can we stick something that big? On the roof. We drove back to our house with this really big blue bear on my roof. I held one of it's arms from my window and Tom grabbed his other arm and we drove home like that. That must have looked really odd. So, now we have a big bear, what the hell are we going to do with it? Give it to someone else. That is a great idea. We gave it to a friend of mine, Angel Mascia, for her birthday. we gave her a real gift but the bear in the back of her truck was a lot of fun to after we covered her entire car with toilet paper and whipped cream. It was so covered that you couldn't see the large bear in the back. Well, needless to say, Angel didn't want the bear. So I took him back home with me and he ended up living in my shed for awhile. I went away to school at Albright College and that was that.

One day at school, I got the idea that we should bring Mortamer up to hang out in the dorms. I didn't have enough room for him with me but I knew that a friend of mine, Jackie Wilker, had a single and she said that he could stay there. So I brought Mortamer up for a visit and we had a lot of fun with him. But there was one problem. He smelled....BAD! So Jackie gave him the boot and I found him laying in the hallway when I came back from class one day. I guess that he grew some mold while he was in the shed or where ever he was before we found him. I was very sad that he was thrown in the hall but he did smell and I wasn't going to bring him back into my room with me...so something had to be done. Hmmmmmm!

Coming Soon Can a guy In A Bear Suit...

	We need to clean him up so that he doesn't smell. I don't think a bath would work...how about the washing machine. Naaaah! He wouldn't fit. Not stuffed anyway.
	So I did the next logical thing. I took the stuffing out. With the help of Carolyn Eaves, we took all of the stuffing out.
	A couple of cuts and three bags of stuffing later, Mortamer was finally empty. There were Mortamer guts every where outside and we were to find pieces of him inside for weeks to come. It took more than a dozen trips in the washing machine to finally get rid of that smell.

Note: The stuffing that was inside of Mortamer was crushed styrofoam. It had so much static-electricity that it stuck to everything. That was way to much fun to just go and throw it away. So Carolyn and I ended up ditching the bags up in the woods by Albright Woods. After a night of partying, I walked back to Crowell with two of my friends. I told them that there was something cool in the trees and we crept up to the area where we hid the trash bags of stuffing. I ripped a small hole into the bag and quickly backed up and threw the bag into the air while ripping it in half. There was pieces of Mortamer guts everywhere. In our mouth, our eyes, our hair, all over our clothes. We ended walking back to the dorm covered in the stuff. It looked just like there was snow all over us. The only problem is that it ended up getting all over our rooms too. We found pieces for the next couple of months.

	So here is the final result, one large, empty, six-foot bear. Now the only question is...what to do with a large, empty, six-foot bear? Wear him as your Halloween costume...
	...and that's just what I did. Kris Kulp and Mortamer.